no. any christian would say no. right?

if there is in fact a god (which there isn’t) that is how he is working.

(thoughts more or less summarized while reading a book entitled “why i am not a christian.“)

the bible says “god is love.”

the bible also defines love in 1st corinthians – …”It always protects…” so, thats what god is doing? did he protect all those people from that latest sunami? or japanese earth quake? or that car crash your christian loved one was in? millions and billions of people, christians and non christians.

such a simple thought, a simple contradiction, but so true. theres no excuses around that. god does not protect, he does not love, he does not exist.

over the years I have come to a million definitive reasons to not believe in god, every now and then I write them down. even if they are simple ones.

And yet there are still so many unexplainables, most of them I chalk up to mere coincidence.

or… MAGIC.

A couple of things that blow me away:

Mark Twain was born on November 30, 1835 underneath Halley’s Comet. He died on the exact night it came back around again on April 21, 1910, underneath the same glowing streak in the sky.

also…

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, who everyone knows their history, and their rivalry, and their eventual friendship… died on the same exact night, hundreds of miles apart, on July 4, 1826, The fiftieth anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

More than magic, these things just seems special to me. I couldn’t explain why, I am well aware it just ended up a meaningful coincidence, but meaningful non the less.

Check out the website for more info here: http://www.fourhourbody.com/

Below are some things that I highlighted and found interesting, mostly things related to personality and maybe like the zen of weight loss or whatever, but still good points:

“The decent method you follow is better than the perfect method you quit.”

“Instead of beating yourself up, going to the shrink, or eating an entire cheesecake because you ruined your diet with one cookie, allow me to deliver a message: it’s normal.”

““Everyone’s got an opinion about what you ‘should’ do. But the truth is, most of them are full of hot air and you can get it done using a few simple steps. “I ignored every one of them.””

“He weighed himself naked every morning at the same time before eating breakfast. He stepped on the scale a few times and put the average of the results in his Excel spreadsheet.”

“Track (progress) or you will fail.”

“As to methods, there may be a million and then some, but principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. —Ralph Waldo Emerson”

Whatever your need for god (hope, salvation, relief, motivation, inspiration, etc etc) you must be taught how to use it. – Marc Maron talking about religion/Christianity.

Makes me think of a god as a tool. But you must be taught how to use that tool. It’s a very vague thought on paper I know, but it makes sense to me.  If you are going to use god in your life,  the hope is that someone teaches you how to use it right, for benefit to yourself and others… rather than for justifications and naive beliefs or uneducated assumptions.

Just thinking out loud I guess.

A terrible analogy would be something like…

If you were given a hammer and told it was to help you make a place to live, but no one ever told you what a hammer was for, you might use it to break a window into a home and take it away from someone else. Which would be the opposite of say if someone showed you how to build a house with that hammer.

Like I said, a terrible analogy. Still just thinking out loud.

I know you are saying it can’t work out
my life is spinning around and around
I know it seems as if I fear
what others say and what others hear
if I could turn around this mess
would you look forward, with no regrets?
time will give us all we need
another chance with you I plead

hope is for the best
take your mind off her eyes
when everyone is watching
make your move
you will find the answers
underneath your pride
now everything is hanging on your move

I would say you are feeling okay with this
it’s nothing you are ever going to miss

Anytime you feel sad or down or out or manic or depressive or out of
control you can say to yourself: “no matter what in the world could
ever possibly happen to me, I’ll be just fine ’cause I have great
friends who would do anything for me.”

I am so lucky. Such amazing people in my life.

I am a promoter.

I am advertisement.

I am a critic.

I am a internet DJ.

I am a friend.

I am a concertgoer.

I am a fan.

I am not a music thief, I am a liberator.

Still posting pictures though, and you can see what I am listening to! haha. Anyways, don’t expect much for a while, at least until I am awarded more time.

The other day a friend told me, “You are the most evangelical atheist that I know, and you believe so hard that at some point everyone is going to discover what you have. You believe it is only a matter of time and everyone will be where you are at.”

I have been thinking about that. A lot.

I am so adamant I think I am turning arrogant.

I think at 28 feeling like I have it all figured out is immature. But I am not going to lie, I don’t feel like I am going to change. And I mean in the core things that I believe in now. The core of me is decided.

I know what I believe, I know what I am looking for in life, I just need to get there in things like relationships. The problem with knowing exactly what I want means I automatically rule out anything/anybody else.  I wish I was more moldable still. I wish I was more open still.

I need to be less arrogant. More understanding.

I have been running the same course, the same direction, at the same time, every day for the last 6 years. I was standing at the top of the 96 stairs that lead down to the lower reservoir thinking about how attached my heart is to this place.  I have stood at the top of those stairs literally thousands of times at 6:00 in the morning, and in so many different stages of life.  I stood there looking out at the city after I moved from Alaska and missed it SO much. Or after I broke up with Bridget, with Kristin, with Kate.  After I stopped working for Paul, after I stopped working for Garrett. I have stood up there in the dark at 6:00 in the morning after loosing friends.  For 6 years I have stood up there wondered if a God really actually exists.  I can recall so many emotional mornings standing up there right before I started running, feeling betrayed, feeling like a betrayer, like an asshole.  I have stood up there exhilarated, in love, in some of the most exciting times of my life. At the same, my lowest moments ever were standing at the top of those stairs.  I stood there and contemplated things that I never thought possible for me to even consider, or fantasized about things so mean and hurtful if you had told me 10 years ago I would think those things about someone I would have never believed it.

Then there are the random times, the nights that I can’t sleep and I show up at 3:00 in the morning and in nothing but my boxers.  No one is around, and the whole entire mountain belongs to me in those moments and I can just run and laugh out loud or yell at the top of my lungs and no one is there to see how ridiculous I am or look. It will always be my place, always be somewhere I go when I need time to myself. It will always be where I start my day, or occasionally start and end my day.

Mt. Tabor is a spiritual place for me, with a connection I can only try to describe. Sometimes the city is engulfed in fog, and you can’t even see the high rise buildings. Sometimes the clouds are lower than the stairs and I run down into them.  Sometimes it is clear as clear can be and I can see specific places that I recognize miles away.  When I drive by it during the day I look up and wish I was there running around it. I hope I never have to live too far away from Mt. Tabor.

This is a special post. Not only did I get to try a new cigar, but I got to meet and smoke with the man who made it. Rocky Patel was here in Portland last night and Broadway Cigar had a big event to celebrate it. He was surprisingly very accessible, approachable, talkative, and incredibly kind. Not smug or pretentious in the least, and being nervous (and probably the youngest one there) I wasn’t expecting such a great experience.

I figure that if you are here at my blog reading this you don’t need an introduction to Rocky Patel, but just in case– this is the man behind several 90+ rated cigars including the Vintage 1990 (rated 92), Vintage 1992 (rated 90), and Decade (rated 95!). If you are interested there is also a ton of great info on Rocky Patel’s Wikipedia page including some back story on how he got into the business of cigars.

I hadn’t tried his brand new line of cigars, the 15th Anniversary, so I bought one to smoke while at the event. Here are some of my thoughts:

SPICY. As he was describing it to me he said, “…it is one of the strongest richest cigars I have ever made.”

And he is right. It was very rich, very spicy indeed. SUPER complex, but not so much that I couldn’t get a grasp on it. I felt like the flavors were there, and my palette could access them. It smoked extremely cool and the construction was solid, although I felt like it wasn’t packed very tight as I lost a lot of ash while smoking it. The pull was good though, just about where I like it. It also stayed lit well, I didn’t have to work at smoking it. Overall I really enjoyed this cigar. I’ll be smoking more of them that’s for sure.

It was $11.00 but I am guessing it was marked up because of the special event. I did some research and it looks like you can find it pretty easily between $8.00-$10.00. It’s made in one of Rocky Patel’s smaller factories in Nicaragua, and in turn comes with Nicaraguan filler and binder. The rumor is that the filler tobacco is grown on a secret plot of land, and that secret farm is the only one that grows this specific and unique tobacco. Interesting. And then to top it off, it is wrapped in a dark Ecuadorian Habano wrapper.

My rating is trying to be as honest as I could with the actual smoke, leaving any bias of the experience out of it. Overall a very very good smoke.

POA RATING: 8.5

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand to finish off the post, a picture of me and the man himself. Be kind, I was a little starstruck…

Relationships are crazy. CRAZY. I am going to try not to divulge too much out of respect, but a couple nights ago a two/three week relationship ended between me a pretty cool little gal. There were a couple little things specifically that I had a hard time with, but mostly I just knew it wasn’t right. I tried to explain as best I could, but I really couldn’t. She’s actually really really great, in so many ways, but I couldn’t get behind it– at least at this point in my life.

What is amazing to me, as how hard it is to let go of even a two week relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me. The past couple days have been SUPER hard, and it blows me away that after just two small weeks I can have such a hard time with it.

Which also helps me understand how leaving a five year relationship was so hard. Even if it wasn’t right, it’s almost impossible for me to do.

yeah.

“…When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be unhappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can’t make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up…”

A couple of my favorite quotes:

Andrew WK: “I don’t have any judgments about it and certainly don’t hold it against anybody for downloading my music. Do I appreciate it when people buy it to support me? Absolutely. But do I hold it against people if they don’t pay for it? No. Ultimately, my interest is to make music and not to sell music.”

J. Mascis of Dinosaur Jr.: “Don’t care. I’m kinda bummed now that all of those videos are being taken off YouTube.”

Emily Haines of Metric, Broken Social Scene: “. . . I have only piracy to thank for the fact that I can show up at a concert in Caracas and have every kid have made a handmade Metric t-shirt and know all the lyrics to all our songs.”

and my favorite…

Mumford & Sons: “The onset of the digital age has had a profound and lasting impact on the music industry, and in spite of what may be written, the impact hasn’t all been bad – far from it.  Obviously, the thorny issue of illegal downloading persists, and though it’s impact on sales – and in turn, the artists themselves – cannot be down played, the idea of music being shared amongst fans for the love of it, is sound… So long as the value of the music is never diminished, and that we never lose sight of the importance and the significance that music plays in all ours lives.”

There are a bunch of artists over at pirateverbatim.com weighing in on this and I suggest you go read some.  Very very interesting stuff.

Just sayin…

BRB.

- zach

So I have been writing and recording music for over a decade now, but anything over 10 years old I think I will keep locked up forever because they are pretty terrible. This is a look back at some of my personal favorites, some of them are as recent as this year, and a couple steam back 10 years. Some are rougher than others, but they all are meaningful to me in some way. I performed and recorded all the tracks for these, including drums, guitar, vocals, bass and keys– with the exception of one song that I re-recorded for a compilation album. SO, if you are just sitting in your office all day today, and want to get to know me a little better, grab some headphones. These are in alphabetical order.

All Your Letters

Birthday Boy

Dont Wait Up

I’ve Opened Up

Icecream & Bubble Gum

Just Tell Me

Last Thing I Remember

Untitled

River

September 23, 1997

Taken For Granted

The City Was Mine

There’s Nothing To Show

This Is A Milestone

This Is My Death

Wander

I put this together with a simple vision of it being dirty, and muffled, and gross. Written 3 or 4 years ago, I can’t remember exactly. My roommate at the time did a remix of it:

Wander (Gage Remix)

What I Wouldn’t Give

Where Is My Snow

You Were A Friend

So, there it is. 20 songs. I tried to not seem conceited, but really I think I am my biggest fan, and these songs mean a lot to me. I really don’t care if anyone likes them, but it’s still fun to share what I have been doing for the last 10 years.

I am an average 9 (or peacemaker) with an 8 (or challenger) wing, combined being “the referee.” ha. Don’t pay to much attention to the titles, they are a bit vague for a more defined description. Here’s a breakdown:

“Awakened Nines with an 8 wing have a modest, steady, receptive core. They are charged by the dynamism of 8 – when focused on goals they often have great force of will. Get things done, make good leaders. May have an animal magnetism of which they are only partly aware. Can seem highly centered, take what they do seriously but remain unimpressed with themselves. 8 wing can bring a strong internal sense of direction. Relatively fearless and highly intuitive. Generally not intellectual unless they have it in their background. When more entranced, they manifest the contradictions of the two styles expressing them in sequence. Could be passively amiable like a Nine and then turn horribly blunt like an 8. One moment they are opinionated or nasty, next moment kindly and supportive. Often don’t hear their voices when angry. Can have a sharp, grating edge. May be slow to anger and then explode. Or angry but don’t know it; may confuse being assertive with being rude. Placidly callous – both styles support numbness. Tactless and indiscriminate and indiscreet. May be unwittingly disloyal, sometimes they are driven by lust.”

So, if you ask me that sounds pretty accurate. Sounds pretty accurate to my friends too. Haha.

Some examples of other 9′s with an 8 wing are Dwight Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan, and Albert Einstein.

If you are interested, this is the book we used. http://bit.ly/aAaBt8 Really interesting, I highly recommend getting into it.

I listened to this–

Band Of Horses – For Annabelle

–during my run a couple mornings ago. I never used to listen to music while I ran, I felt it was a distraction. I slowly have learned to appreciate the effect music has on more importantly me, while I run, rather than my running. At first I figured that only high energy songs were what I needed to be listening to. Oh how I was wrong.

I can only describe it as spiritual.  It was raining so hard, so so hard. Imagine sitting parked in your car with the windshield wipers flopping as fast as they will go– and still not being able to see through the windshield. It was pouring. I was drenched head to toe in water and mud. I could hear my long, rhythmic breaths in between the pat pat pat pat of my feet under my body. Four steps. Inhale. Four steps. Exhale. In these moments I feel that I am truly connected to life.  Everything means so much. Everything seems to make sense.

Music is my spirituality. I think I have always equated god to spirit, and worship to god was what I thought my spirituality was. Music is when I feel absolutely in touch with everything around me.  Everything makes sense in these moments, and in so many ways in calms everything inside of me.

I think we substitute god into our lives to try and explain our different ways we experience that. Whether it is through nature, music, friends, family, or whatever… it’s easy to say that it is god, when I don’t really believe it is anymore.